May 2010

“Muffin, come here baby.”

For Lauren the soft pants and paw shuffles from her golden shaggy-haired cocker spaniel as she navigated the darkness that is her life was a comfort. Escaping the tension in the sitting room Lauren waited and listened. Muffin hurried over the hardwoods after some mischief, headed for the kitchen. She stopped briefly to sniff at Lauren’s toes with her cold nose, give her a doggy smile, then walk over to her bowl.

“Can mommy get a thank you?” Lauren asked, in the sing-song voice she used only with her pet. Muffin slobbered up meaty chunks of Gravy Train barely looking up.

“You’re welcome greedy.” Lauren shook her head smiling.

Muffin was older now. Her blindness once just a nuisance had overnight become a dangerous handicap. For that reason she stopped allowing her out into the fields, even though Muffin’s sense of smell would always lead her home. Lauren had a scary incident where Muffin wandered off chasing a critter or a butterfly—something she frequently enjoyed. Somehow she’d managed to fall down a sinkhole. Hector searched all night before he found her. The thought of anything happening to Muffin gave her panic attacks. But Lauren never shared that with anyone, no one knew of her panic attacks.

“LB!”

Lauren eyes lifted to the kitchen entrance. She leaned against the counter with her smoky cup of coffee warming the palms of her hands.

“LB?!”
“In here…” she said.

Dena came in. Vibrant, full of spunk, her friend’s natural beauty kept the workers doing double takes. This morning she was dressed casually, which was a requirement for a resident of the valley. In the city Dena who would never be seen without a pair of four-inch high heels and a designer micro-mini had learned to adapt quick. Lauren warned that living with her on the vineyard would bring about this change. Within two weeks Dena was walking around in a pair of Lauren’s cut-off shorts and thong sandals—point proven.

Lauren smiled, eyes dropping to Dena’s feet—bare.

“You feeding Muffin, you said you would just get a cup of coffee.” Dena huffed. Before Lauren could answer she noticed the dreaded documents in her best friend hand. Lauren cut her eyes away. She turned to the sink and poured out her coffee, her appetite and mood now soured. She closed her eyes and listened.

“I’m out here waiting on you and you’re ignoring me. Would you please come back in so we can finish this?”

“I can’t.” Lauren mumbled.

“We talked about this last night,”

“…and you didn’t listen….”

“….you don’t have a choice LB.”

Lauren whirled on her friend, her lips pressed together into a tight thin line. “See that’s where you’re wrong. I have a choice. I can let this place go under, it’s my damn place! I can do whatever the hell I want to do!”
Dena smiled. “But you won’t. You won’t let Maria and Hector who’ve been loyal to this place and you lose their homes, their jobs. You wont let those contract workers lose the only jobs they have. The reason why you’re near bankrupt is because you wouldn’t pull out when you knew things were headed south. Because you love your vineyard, and chica I love you. So stop your bitching, okay.”

“Bitching? The reason why I’m bankrupt is because I’ve mortgaged this place up to my eyeballs to keep it running, love or no love it’s evident I’ve lost control. Hell D, I never had control. Look at Monty…” her voice broke. Even now Monty’s betrayal made her want to throw something, smash something, or just crawl inside of herself and disappear.

Lauren eyes dropped away from Dena, for fear she’d see how raw the shame of her failed romance remained for her. Was it the loss of love? She had gotten used to the hypocritical way men expressed love. Every man she’s ever known has failed her at one time or another. No, this was her. How could she have been so willingly blind, so stupid, so needy. She suffered, because all of it she brought on herself.

“LB?”

“I used every dime I had to buy out Ray Shepherd and Monty’s contract. Because….” Her eyes stung with tears that she hadn’t let drop since she threw Monty out of her life. “….of me this place failed. I failed.”

Dena approached arms lifting to offer support, and Lauren stepped aside. The bitterness swelled under her breasts, her pride blasted away any chance of weeping. “I’ll figure something out Dena, I always do. Stop pressuring me to make a decision.”